So today I get my answer

Well….today I get my answer to all these questions……simple, sweet

It all comes down to what we want…not what we can do, not what we’re willing to do…but what we want.
What he wants….what she wants….and somehow divine intervention will bring the people who want the same things together…I guess in the end that this must be the correct answer for it’s the most frustrating off all the suggestions I’ve gotten so far (uh let’s see….that adds up to zero)

So….what do I want?

Well, I want someone who wants me….

someone who will listen to me…not because it’s my turn to talk……not because it gives them a opportunity to pack together another dirty little snowball with everything that I’ve just said and smack me in the face with it…not because they are required to….not because they can pretend to……but because they really are interested in what I’m saying.

I want a person who will inspire and encourage me…someone who will call my BS and make me laugh about it….someone who has no problem saying I don’t like that…..but I still can’t get enough of you……someone who needs my opinion, who values my thoughts and dreams……

I want a person who knows when to crawl into my arms and will not bust my ass when I really just want to be alone.

Folks…..I guess we should all just stop bullshitting one another, go out into the world and KNOW what we want….and hope we’ll find another that wants the same things…..and everything will be alright……

I can’t say that this simple answer sits well with me….and again, that gives me the feeling that it’s the correct answer. But if our wants change how the hell are we ever to be with any one person….

I think the correct and true answer to my friends suggestion is  “I want HER”….”I want HIM”…not what I want, but THAT I want……

Can you really know that you want something, if you’ve never truly had it?

How can you know you want it, UNLESS you’ve truly had it?

Looks like I’ll be here for a while folks…….come by and visit anytime….any old crossroad is where you’ll find me.

Sign on the line

So here’s an interesting concept that myself and a few others who I’ve talked to think would really save us all quite a bit of trouble, heartache and MONEY.

So you meet somebody…you have fun, you get along, and you believe that your in love with this person. Parents are met, friends mingle and soon talk of tying the knot comes around. Before any plans for the wedding are even discussed, you and this person visit a “specialist” and you basically sign up for the marriage, in many ways like a loan. 5 years…10 years…20? After that amount of time is up, if everything is going great and you want to sign on for another 10 or 20 years, it will take you no time at all and you can go on with your life together. If things suck and everybody wants out, what was yours is yours, what was theirs is now theirs and everything you acquired together is split down the middle…done….sorry it didn’t work out, let’s keep in touch (although you don’t have a choice if kids are involved) let’s move on. If one party thinks everything is going well and the other is un-happy, and cannot, or will not bring it up for whatever reason…this is the perfect time.  Your partner is ready to sign up for another 20, and you say only 5….well, hell, there’s something wrong with this…can we work it out….let the healing begin..

New love is such an overpowering thing….would you swear in front of all your family and friends that you would only appear nude in public for the rest of your life to be with this person? NO that’s just insane….and many of the traditional vows are equally insane. Most of that stuff you already doing….love, honor, respect…..hell your a couple in love, you wouldn’t have gotten to this point if you were not already doing that…right? (oy, this is another post in and of itself)

Then it gets a bit more complicated with things like obey, forsake all others….things like that. It that just a legal, politically correct way of saying  “I won’t have sex with anyone other than you?” Again, I have to refer to the fact that you’re again, wanting to marry this person, so one would assume that you are NOT interested (like actively searching for different people to have sex with) in having sex with others.

And then……they say the one thing that should make US ALL run screaming…….”for the rest of your life”

what can you really promise anyone “for the rest of your life”

 - I will continue to breath – eat-sleep – drink – etc…

I will listen to the same music, have the same job, be able to pull off a tornado kick or a split, run 5 miles a day…..what?

There are many things that we all will TRY to do for the rest of our lives…..

So with this  system, you take you lives together in small steps, and the normal pressure of traditional marriage is gone.

Now, it must be said that if you sign up for 10 years…and you want out at 8….you can walk away, but you get NOTHING….the clothes on your back and that’s it.

So would it work? Would people be more willing, in a 10 year contract, at year 7 when life is crap with each other, to honestly try and work on their problems, knowing that if it didn’t happen, in two years, we move on…no bitter court battle over property and kids, no thousands upon thousands of dollars for lawyers….

I know in many ways your thinking pre-nup, and in many ways, that’s what this is I guess, but that’s more of an individual situation and decision  made by people who “IN MY OPINION” are smarter than I, and less likley to savor the absolute surrender to love as I.

I believe it would be an amazing failsafe for us all……

Don’t call too soon…don’t wait too long

Ok, it’s an age old question, asked a thousand times by thousands of women…the subplots of so many romantic comedies….”why won’t he call me back?”

Well, why won’t he call you back?

He won’t call you back because this is one of THE MOST slippery slopes for men. Before we get into this, I’m referring to a situation where a relationship is taking place. If you just out to hook up, he probably is not calling you back, cause he’s busy hooking up with another.

“Damn man, you’re whipped” – these words have caused bloodshed between males. Once something actually happens between a man and a woman, and the dude is actually honest enough with himself to admit to it, the man seems to be under instant pressure, from both sides, does he not?

Pressure from you to not call too soon, but not wait too long…pressure from his mates to not to get all emotional and connected to this chick….pressure not to be whipped..and the dance begins for the man.  Now, I would say if you call yourself a friend of this fellow, and he’s spending time with his new lady and he seem happy and content, it’s your job to support him and be happy for him, not bust his ass and make him uncomfortable for embracing real emotions for this lady. This leads us to the whole “macho” Man code that so many guys worship, and others find themselves slaves to….that’s a post for another day. In an effort to keep it simple….it’s pressure, and I would say if ANYONE can identify, understand, and emphasize with pressure…it would be women. So why all the defence….all the “well he can’t think for himself, he’s all worried about what his stupid friends think.” Why must the guy, bust on his lady in the privacy of his fellows, so save face? Why are these guys who are his “friends” so eager to give him crap about something that makes him happy? I understand some fun ribbing….that’s just us all enjoying life together, but I get the feeling that in MANY situations it’s MUCH more than that. Why would you do that to your friend, unless you honestly had concerns for your friend entering into a relationship that would cause them pain and suffering (ok guys….all together – any woman will cause you pain and suffering.)

My good friend has a fantastic theory about this. He says that before marrige, we send our representatives to negociate our relationships. The people we are, are actually our best attempts at what we think that particualar person would best react to. How long does this facade continue between men and women? At what point does this all change when couples become married and parents of one or more children?

Do we actually believe that when we commit ourselves to another person that we will ALWAYS be that person, or that our partner will ALWAYS be the person we are agreeing to spend the rest of our lives with? It it wrong to try and recapture who you were before you put that person away to become more adult, more responsible, more dependable….why the hell do we feel like we need to put it away EVER?

Basically….why are the things we love about one another and attract us to each other ,in the beginning, become the very things that we criticize and don’t want to allow or embrace after 5, 10…15 years of marriage?

Hello world!

So…let’s set this whole thing up first….

I’m having a conversation with a friend, and we find ourselves discussing the true nature of why people in America have such a hard time getting past racism, or at the very least working through it.  I’m sure anyone who has experienced racism in it’s true form will agree that it’s not just something you “get past” or “over” like you would try to do if Starbucks didn’t have your mocha, latte, hazelnut cream, fru, fru…..that you can usually….usually, get over.

And so this led us to discuss situations that might allows us to see past our stereotypes, and racist tendencies, and naturally we talked of war, global catastrophe….things of that nature. Then we agreed that there is one place where men of different color and culture, and women of different color and culture can find a common ground, and that is in their complaints about the opposite sex.

And so, after several more minutes of brainstorming, and cups of coffee, we decided that IT ALL BEGAN, and continues still, with gender…and not race. Until, and not before, men and women can honestly work out their differences, we can’t even begin to understand or solve, racism, or many of the other “isms” that confront us as a society. Then eventually…following this train of thought we found ourselves debating the REASON that Eve picked and ate the apple (theoretically speaking)….was she hungry? Or was her desire to show Adam and that “other dude he talked to all day”" that she could do whatever the hell she wanted? Or was she angry at Adam for hunting and gathering all day and just to spite him, she decided to go to that “forbidden” tree and pick that apple with that whole “you ignore me all day so why should I NOT hang out with a talking snake who seem to be interested in me and….”  OR was Adam so busy admiring himself and the world created for him, that he couldn’t even start a fire and boil some water so SOMETHING could be cooked and consumed!

And so it began, and in my opinion continues today, and hopefully with focus here on this blog, and maybe we can all get a few answers.

 Just a little background on me….

37 – married for 15 years – it began to fall apart 6 years ago and the past year has just sucked!

So let’s go ladies and gents….let’s figure it all out. Comment….ask questions. Mild ranting is allowed IF you will take the time to listen to replies, if you’re just here to drive home your own views which you believe to be right and un questionable, then take a hike…

Outside of that I welcome everyone and I truly believe that if men and women of all races and cultures can “figure it out”…or even agree that it can’t be figured out, and enjoy life….then the rest of our troubles as a species will work out.